Sickipedia

I hate being a thief, but my girlfriend understands, so tomorrow morning she is going to wake up to 10,000k!!! Missing from her bank account.

We'll all miss Grandma this Xmas but I know she'll be looking down on us. Waiting for the stair lift repair man.

I went into a Witherspoon's today, I smiled at the bloke and said "How long did it take you to get to the Gents?" He told me "after walking upstairs and navigating to the rope bridge with my compass probably about 35 minutes" then he walked out of the men's toilets. Credit: Microwave Let's keep em coming

Me as a Drug Dealer... "Giggling" "I'm all out of Coke, will Pepsi do?"

For 2023 my new year's resolution will be to procrastinate more. I'll start tomorrow.

As I was sat in the Chinese restaurant last night, my wife said to me, "What made you decide to go with the duck?" "He's better company," I replied, putting the phone down. (credit Harryspiv Old Siki)

Who will take the second shot in this snooker game? We'll find out after the break.

"Ladies and gents." That concludes our tour of the toilets.

My nextdoor neighbour has invited me over for a Christmas drink with nibbles. He fucking loves that Cat

When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.