Sickipedia

A bloke knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?" I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she's at work."

I've just texted my wife: 'Just booked us a 5 day Mediterranean cruise. We go in 6 weeks time xxx' She texted back: 'Nice! But I wish it could be twice as long xxx' So I just phoned the travel agents and changed it, now we're going in 12 weeks instead.

"Give me a T." "T" "Give me a T." "T" "Oh, fuck it. I'll go to another Cafe"

I almost caught someone screwing my missus last night, but he dived out the window as I burst into the bedroom. After slapping my wife around a bit, I chased after him. "He went that way," said my mate Dave, pointing to next door's garden. "Cheers, mate," I replied, scaling the fence. "And get some fucking clothes on, you'll catch your death."

I went to a sports day in Japan today. It was quite enjoyable but I must say the egg and chopstick race was a challenge.

If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.

Looks like Sinead O'Connor is going to have a number 1. I've just seen her going into the barber's.

When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her fanny and the midwife had to pull me out. That's how excited I was to see my little brother.

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection." But she did.

Just saw a sign that made me piss myself..... Toilets Closed.