Sickipedia

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs. I couldn't help thinking, 'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

I see the Japanese navy are still hiring kamikaze pilots.

I have terrible grammar. I can't spell fore ingland. You might have noticed.

Anybody thinking about going on the pull in London, just remember. A bird in the Strand is worth two in Shepherd's Bush.

Once it was so foggy in the Scottish Highlands, a bloke milked three cows before he realised he wasn't playing the bagpipes.

Did you know the Romans built most of the roads in Britain? They're still working on the M6.

Well it looks like soon the leftist politically correct lot will have the country in the palm of their hands The writing is on the wall. Don't tell them that, they'll probably deface it.

In a bid to regain Jewish supporters, Jeremy Corbyn decided to have a circumcision. Unfortunately the operation wasn't a success. The surgeon was quoted as saying, "I'm afraid I can't carry out the procedure as there appears to be no end to this prick."

My wife has just left me and ran off with the postman. Oh I do miss him.

Two drunks are walking down Piccadilly Circus. The first drunk stumbles down into the underground whilst the second drunk carries on to Leicester Square. Suddenly the first drunk pops out agan. Second drunk: Where have you been? First drunk: I don't know! I think i've been down some fella's cellar. He's got the biggest train set I've ever seen in my life!