Sickipedia

My wife went in the butchers the other day. she said: "You've got a sheep's head in the window." The butcher said: "thats a mirror."

I'm not going to make any jokes about Kim Kardashian's body...But. And its a BIG BUT!

General custer to a Geordie soldier. "listen! The Apaches are playing war drums." The Geordie soldier replies, "the thieving bastards!"

My Great Grandfather fought in world war 1 and single handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I was in the Far east and i went into a restaurant and I ordered Octopus and the waiter said: "It takes about 4 hours." I asked "Why?" He said, "It keeps turning the gas off."

Two caterpillars lying on a leaf when a butterfly flies past. One caterpillar says to the other "You'll never get me to go up in one of them!"

I won my wife on a quiz show. She was wearing a white dress. I thought she was a refrigerator!

I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that my wife and Rachel Riley were fighting and my wife was winning!

A terrorist that hijacked a bus full of Japanese tourists was on the loose but the police found him fairly quickly as they had three thousand photos of him.

This bloke was so drunk he went inside a grandfather clock and tried to make a phone call!