Sickipedia

Americans keep the washing machine in the bathroom. Bloody stupid idea. I had one in my bathroom. I put my pants in, pulled the chain and I never saw them again!

The Amazon screen saver slideshow was playing on my TV last night when this weird rock covered in hieroglyphics came on. I thought, "I wonder what it is." Thanks to the wonders of modern smartphone technology, l was able to find out. I pulled this app up and pointed it towards the screen. It said it was a 48" Panasonic Television.

I'd been teaching myself the trumpet for 6 months before i dislocated my jaw. Apparently, you're supposed to blow through the other end.

As they enter the final furlong through central London, black night is in the lead, followed by bloody mess. Only 4 more sleeping policemen to take as bloody mess comes along the inside, oh black night loses it at the bus stop and bloody mess takes the lead as they head down the mall.

I see the Japanese navy are still hiring kamikaze pilots.

Strictly Done Dancing.

St. Peter: Let’s examine the list. Your name. What is it? Arthur Lowe: Don’t tell him pike! St. Peter: Pike.

I have terrible grammar. I can't spell fore ingland. You might have noticed.

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs. I couldn't help thinking, 'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

Anybody thinking about going on the pull in London, just remember. A bird in the Strand is worth two in Shepherd's Bush.