Sickipedia

This fat girl came on to me in a club, "I'm out to get pissed and have a good time, I've left the kids and my other half at home, " She said, "Fuck me, " I replied, "just how big are you?"

When I was a kid I cried and cried when I found out that cats only had one life. I would never have put Tiddles in the microwave if I had known.

I saw a mate who I hadn't seen for a while. "Wow Dave, great to see you again, you've lost so much weight, been on a health binge or something?" "Hello, John, " I replied, "I'm afraid it's down to my wife, she will be using a wheelchair permanently soon so I thought it best lose the weight. " "Oh, I'm sorry to here that, " he replied, "so you've lost the weight so you will be fit enough to push her around?" "Not at all, " I answered, "I just don't want to be a fat cunt when I go looking for a replacement. "

"I met a girl and called her Titanic. " "Why? did you put ice in her drink and she went down on you? " "No, she was fucking massive. "

"Would you like to get some air?" I asked this girl in a club, "Just pass me my fucking inhaler will you, " she gasped.

We had been waiting a while in a Jewish restaurant and I called the waiter over to explain the delay, "I'm sorry sir," he said, "the chef lost count of your petit pois and has had to count them again. "

I failed to get a job I applied for because I answered no to the question, do you believe in god? Fuck it, I didn't want to be a priest anyway.

This bloke stopped me and asked, "Excuse me, I'm lost, can you tell me whereabouts I am?" "You a Manchester United fan?" I asked. "Yes, " he replied, "how did you know?" "We're at Old Trafford mate." I told him.

First class on United Airlines is great. They actually punch you with boxing gloves on.

What's the only part of a Muslim to have had a wash? The brain.