Sickipedia

COLOMBIA: Put a 75% tariff on cocaine. That'll make Trump think twice.

My granddad always said "what you don't know can’t hurt you” Yeah, right. That coming from an old twat who drowned because he didn't know how to swim.

I got a phone call from the BBC today querying my donation of six dozen condoms for children in need, "We don't feel this is an appropriate donation for the children, " the caller told me. "They're not for the kids, " I said, "they're for you lot at the BBC so you don't give them any STDs when you abuse them. "

"Well it's a lovely place nan, peaceful, plenty of open spaces and lots of beautiful flowers, do you think you'll like it when you move in permanently?" "Will you just fuck off you little bastard and let me visit your granddads grave in peace. "

Justin? sounds like the fucking nonce God preacher was fucking well in. Now go and die you bastard, don't forget to pray for forgiveness though, that's how you cunts do it, isn't it?

I went to this S&M brothel and the mistress said, "I hope you're used to pain. " "Of course I am, "I replied, "I'm married. "

Use your red/green colour blindness to your advantage by becoming a cyclist.

I got home from work and my wife was sat in front of the fire with her legs wide open. "What on Earth are you doing?" I said, "Warming tea up, " she replied. "Fuck me," I answered, "how many's coming?"

I love the way my nine year old son is preparing for adulthood and it's pitfalls. He spent all his money on a dolls house and gave it his little girlfriend next door saying, "Here you might as well have a house now instead of taking one off me in twenty years. "

I'm afraid after 47 years with the same woman who I love and cherish, I'm afraid it's time to part ways. Her behaviour is totally outrageous and unacceptable. She's just told me she's sick of bacon