Sickipedia

Captain Tom's funeral it's understood will leave his house and do a few laps of his garden

I ordered a chinese there, wee chinese driver comes to the door and I walked out to meet him. The cunt then started shouting "isolate isolate". I said "Mate your'e not that late, I only ordered 10 minutes ago".

Up in hospital here seeing my granda who's been in a coma for 2 years now. So stuck on I'm a celebrity and heard your woman Nadine Coyle talking and he got up and turned the TV off.. Fucking Madness.

I see Ian Wright is going into the jungle. He should feel right at home then.

My sister's a fuckin mug, she's been training for 3 years to work with the mentally handicapped and she still hasn't got a placement yet and there's me got to work with retards after only 2 days in McDonalds!

My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?" "A fucking power cut" ....was apparently was the wrong answer!

Fucksake, when I offer to wash your fanny all you need to say is just yes or no... "Not who are you and how did you get in here" bullshit.

Just got my phone charged there, it went dead last night when I took a selfie with Sadio Mane in a Liverpool nightclub... ...fuck that's strange all I can see is me standing beside 2 floating eyes and a set of teeth!

An old bloke hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years... The hitman says "It'll be a quick kill, I'll shoot her just below the left tit"... The husband says "I want her dead, not fucking kneekapped!"

Some thieving cunt has stolen my tools from my van and I need to go to work tonight. Has anyone got a crowbar, hoodie, ski mask and a hold all or back pack I can borrow?