Sickipedia

I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings.The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I pulled up sharply. Suddenly this car full of Pakis pulled out and tried to beat the lights and barriers. They got half way across when a large fully laden goods train hit them, the car disintegrated and all the occupants were killed instantly. I sat there open mouthed and thought "Jesus, that could have easily been me" So this morning I've sent off my train drivers application form to Network Rail

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night. "You dozy fucking twat" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

I've finally discovered that at my age, pleasing everybody is impossible. But pissing everybody off is a piece of cake

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

A Coastguard vessel intercepted a small rowing boat carrying four Muslims heading towards the UK mainland. The Captain shouts through his loudhailer "Ahoy small rowing boat, what is your heading"? One of the Muslims stands up and shouts "We are invading the UK" The Captain replies "What, just the four of you"? The Muslim shouts back "No, we're the last four, the rest are already there".

The government have announced that it's going to make things even harder for people to claim benefits. They are going to print the application forms in English only.

My new Indian girlfriend said that I could give her a facial. Fuck me, I nearly came on the spot

I once tried to buy a house on an old Indian reservation, when I asked if it came with running water, he told me to fuck off and find my own wife

I saw a Paki pouring petrol over himself yesterday and shouting "I've had enough, I'm going to end it all" I shouted back, "Stop don't do it, it's times like this when you need your family around you"

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I put one in for a Cowboy Outfit yesterday, now I'm only ten minutes away from owning Network Rail