Sickipedia

Me and my girlfriend decided to try a bit of role play in bed last night, so we pretended to be married. So I waited until she was asleep, then had a wank over a porno mag.

I saw an attractive looking woman last night, so I went up to her and said "Can I ask you a personal question"? She replied "Not really, but I know you wont take no for an answer, so let's get on with it" I said "Great, how many men have you had sex with"? "That's my business" she snapped. "Brilliant" I replied, "How much is it then"?

Me and the missus were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny. We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it. Then a fucking copper on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket. I said "What the fuck's this for"? "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone" he replied.

I was speaking with an American the other day about all the pain we felt on 9/11/2001. That was the day I caught my foreskin in my zip, which, by the way, was the 9th of November.

One of the big differences between American English and UK English is that the Americans tend to drop the letter U from certain words like colour and honour. What a bnch of stpid fcking cnts they really are

Did you hear about the Tourettes sufferer in Rochdale A trip into town cost him five hundred quid

My missus came up to me and said that she'd read in a magazine that seventy five percent of a human being is water, and therefore she was now comfortable about being overweight. I said "Well, you may be comfortable with your weight, but how does it feel to be completely fucking flooded out"?

Yesterday I was reading in a magazine about the dangers of drink and how it can ruin your life and eventually kill you. It scared the shit out of me, I can tell you! So today I've decided that I'm never going to read again

I went to a Palestinian restaurant on Friday evening. I've had the fucking Shi'ites all weekend since

I was having sex with the missus last night and I said "You seem to be taking your time tonight" She replied "I know, I just cant think of anybody at the moment"