Sickipedia

It's just been announced that Labour have beaten the Conservatives in the Westminster Dog of the Year competition. A Labour spokesperson said "We knew all along that by having Diane Abbot on our side,the rest had no fucking chance"

Jonathan Ross was driving his car this morning when he was in collision with a tanker carrying blue paint. He said afterwards "I was really lucky to walk away from such a bad woad accident" "Taxi"

I'll never forget the sight of my missus walking down the aisle towards me. As she got closer, I could feel the excitement and anticipation of what was about to happen intensifying, my heart was beating faster and faster, at last she was beside me. I gazed at her and said "Couldn't you get that fucking trolley here any quicker?, there's a BOGOFF On Stella"

My missus said to me "I've just been reading a survey that says weight loss boosts a man's sexual drive" I replied "Ok, when are you going to hit the gym then,fatty"?

I've finally discovered that at my age, pleasing everybody is impossible. But pissing everybody off is a piece of cake

A bloke came up to me with a cig in his mouth, he said "Gorra light bud"? I replied "No, sorry I'm teetotal"

My missus walked out on me just before her birthday. To show that there were no hard feelings, I still bought her a present She asked "Why have you bought me a rocket"? I replied "Well, you said that you needed space so now you can fuck off into it"

My missus bought one of them home pregnancy kits. Now we've found out that the house is expecting.

I opened my eyes this morning and thought I was dead, the first time for ages I've woken up and nothing hurts.

So, diversity has finally reached Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends. On the plus side there will be job openings for loads of animators to create the ten thousand passengers on the Indian train.