Sickipedia

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

I went into Macdonalds yesterday and was served by a Muslim woman wearing a Burka, it was all badly creased and full of stains and she also whiffed a bit. So I walked out and went into Burger King down the road and again to my surprise was served by a Muslim woman in a Burka, but this time it was clean and neatly pressed and she looked quite tidy, so I ordered and then ate my meal. So on reflection I can safely say that Burger King Burkas are better than Macdonalds Sorry chaps, send a taxi.

Just when you think things can't get any worse. Muhammad has just fucking become the most popular name for boys!

My missus sent me a text the other night saying she was in casualty. The lying bitch, I stayed in and watched the whole fucking episode and didn't see her anywhere. That woman will do anything to keep me from going to the pub.

I said to my missus "Now then fatty, what do you want for your birthday"? She replied "Don't you get lippy you bastard" I said "Okay, mascara it is then".

My mate has just retired so I asked him if he's going to get a part time job or something. He said "Already got one, I'm my missus's sexual adviser" "How does that work"? I asked He replied "Well, every time I tell her something she replies When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it"

Did you hear about the dyslexic suicide bomber? When he got to paradise he was greeted by seventy two vegans.

I'll have a bash at luring Leemack back Minty. A Scotsman was up in court accused of shagging a cat. The Magistrate let him off because in forty years of being on the bench, he'd never heard of a Scotsman putting anything in a kitty.

I've been watching the test cricket, Pakistan have a player called Fakhar. I wonder if his first name's Smelly?

Following Fothermucker' s Fusilli joke yesterday: My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling "cannelloni" now P.S I hope that this doesn't become "pasta" joke, ok, I'm getting me coat