Sickipedia

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy........... "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

Congratulations to India ... must be the only fucking country in the world with a moonlanding programme and no proper sewage system.

Little known facts on England footballer Danny Welbeck, his father was in the bomb disposal unit ... he was called Stan

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view) The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "fifty shades of grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater !! Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left t*t! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!! Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour I saw on the beach at Torquay earlier. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife! Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages !!

As a mark of respect, all pubs are offering a Guinness free on the 1st day of opening ... because black pints matter

At an old people's home, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time" The chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on my watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,"Watch the watch...watch the watch...watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized, then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on impact. "SHIT," shouted Claude. It took them three days to completely clean up the Retirement Village and Claude was never invited back again. A.N.Other

Sad news at the Nestlé factory today a a case of chocolate fell 20ft on to one of the workers ... he repeatedly called for help but every time the said "The milky bars are on me" all his coleagues cheered! I'm passing this joke on from a.n.other

Congratulations to India ... must be the only fucking country in the world with a moonlanding programme and no proper sewage system.

Peter Mayhew ... May the 4th be tomorrow DOH!