Sickipedia

As a mark of respect, all pubs are offering a Guinness free on the 1st day of opening ... because black pints matter

At an old people's home, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time" The chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on my watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,"Watch the watch...watch the watch...watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized, then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on impact. "SHIT," shouted Claude. It took them three days to completely clean up the Retirement Village and Claude was never invited back again. A.N.Other

Sad news at the Nestlé factory today a a case of chocolate fell 20ft on to one of the workers ... he repeatedly called for help but every time the said "The milky bars are on me" all his coleagues cheered! I'm passing this joke on from a.n.other

Congratulations to India ... must be the only fucking country in the world with a moonlanding programme and no proper sewage system.

Congratulations to India ... must be the only fucking country in the world with a moonlanding programme and no proper sewage system.

Peter Mayhew ... May the 4th be tomorrow DOH!

If I'm straight should I be voting in the by-election?

Corbyn Scrambles the police

Absolutely disgusting behaviour I saw on the beach at Torquay earlier. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife! Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages !!

Little known facts on England footballer Danny Welbeck, his father was in the bomb disposal unit ... he was called Stan