Sickipedia

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?" His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

Seems to me like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out, take my tv, stereo & phone, And sell my car. Take my key, kick me out and cut me out of your will. Well she didn't actually put it like that. She said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed." Same thing really...........

I was sucking off this girl last night when I thought. Hang on a minute.....

"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life" "But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad" "I know, son"

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y"ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there"s a wee bar called McTavish"s. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.""Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two.""Ahhh, that"s nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there"s O"Driscoll"s Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they"ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you"ve had enough drinks, they"ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.""Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?""Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"

My son has just asked me why his friends Aziz and Tariq didn't get any Christmas presents off Santa, so I told him "Son, you're 10 years old now and you're old enough to know the truth about Santa... He fucking hates Muslims".

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you… I’m gay.” His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly. “You’re gay…doesn’t that mean you have oral sex with other men?” The son said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.” His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said.. “Don’t you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!”...