Sickipedia

How do all the best racist jokes begin? With a nervous look left and right.

I was talking to my Muslim neighbours earlier, who are expecting their first child soon. "So, what are you hoping for?" I asked. "Boy? Or a girl?" "It's not important at all, just as long as it's healthy." The husband replied. "But if its a girl, we're killing it."

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve? Steve's not a fucking cunt.

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve? Steve's not a cunt.

I had a massive argument with my son earlier, over how much time he spends on his phone. He called me a cunt, grabbed it from me and locked himself in his room. I really wish I'd confiscated his charger. He fucking hanged himself with it.

I was talking to a young Paki I know this morning, whose mum had died just an hour earlier. The poor lad was so upset, he could barely ask me if it was a tenner bag I was after, or a twenty.

I was chased down today, by a gang of homophobic thugs shouting horrible slurs, calling me sick and disgusting, and throwing bottles at me as they ran. I only lost them by darting through a brightly lit doorway and cowering behind a huge potted plant. Once I was sure they had run past and I was safe, I collapsed into a foetal ball and sobbed my heart out. When I eventually calmed down, I realised I had taken refuge in a casino. I'd never been in one before, it was fascinating. I even managed to leave with an extra two hundred quid in my pocket. I sucked a guy off in the toilet.

It's a terrible shame about Sir Bruce Forsyth, he will be missed so much. He was a national treasure and adored by millions, but I hope his body isn't put on display for fans to file past and pay their respects. The last time that happened, the guy turned out to be a massive kiddy-fucker.

All the sex I'm having with the wife lately, the weight is just dropping off me. That cunt of hers puts me right off kebabs.

The wife took the car in for a service today and handed me the bill when she returned, twelve hundred pound. "What the fucking fuck!!" I yelled. "It should've only been about ninety." "Even less, this time, I'd have thought." She said. "I drained the oil for them before I took it down."