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I'm not saying my wife's a fat cunt... But I've had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge.

I'm not saying my wife's a fat cunt... But she's got triabetes.

I'm not saying my wife's an ugly cunt... But she once got on the bus with Steve Buscemi's pass.

I was left to look after our toddler by myself for the first time last night, as my wife was out on a hen party. Of course, she just had to ring and check on us when she got to her hotel... "Have you put him to bed?" She asked. "Of course." I told her. "He's all tucked in, fast asleep." "Did you give him his supper?" "I did. He ate it all." "Did he drink his milk?" "Every drop." "Did you read him his bedtime story?" "Sure did, The Three Bears. Did all the voices, we had fun with it." "Aww, I knew you'd be fine with him... OH!!" she interrupted herself. "You did make him brush his teeth, didn't you?" "Of course I did." I assured her. "Even his bottom teeth?" "Oh shit, no." I told her. "To be honest, I didn't realise he had any up there."

I'm not saying my wife's a lazy cunt in bed... But I have to swallow my own spunk.

I'm glad I let my girlfriend move in with me. If it wasn't for her I'd have never known shoes don't fucking go there.

I've just discovered my wife's only got three weeks to live, I'm devastated. I'll never learn to dance in that time.

What's got eight feet and ten shoes? The McCann family.

I'd gone over six months without sex, so I decided to bite the bullet and visit a prostitute. "Err, how much to let me cum in your mouth?" I gingerly asked her. "Well that depends." She purred, sexily. "How much have you got?" "About a litre and a half, I reckon."

I'm not saying my wife's an ugly cunt.. But I was editing some pictures of her today and I ran out of Photoshop.