Sickipedia

I honestly don't know how devout Muslims can follow all the rules of the Qur'an. The one in our corner shop can't even follow the rule of 'Multi-pack: not to be sold separately.'

I left the house this morning to be greeted by a huge, wet dogshit in the middle of my beautiful lawn. I was going to scoop it up and post it through the door of the local mosque, but the smell was too much for me. I couldn't get near the place.

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve? Steve's not a fucking cunt.

I was talking to my Muslim neighbours earlier, who are expecting their first child soon. "So, what are you hoping for?" I asked. "Boy? Or a girl?" "It's not important at all, just as long as it's healthy." The husband replied. "But if its a girl, we're killing it."

I walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind the counter "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare." "Which one?" She replied. "William, you thick cunt."

"I love you lots, snuggles." The girlfriend announced earlier. "And I love you tons." I replied. "Oh, I see." She said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?" Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

I had a massive argument with my son earlier, over how much time he spends on his phone. He called me a cunt, grabbed it from me and locked himself in his room. I really wish I'd confiscated his charger. He fucking hanged himself with it.

My mate from Liverpool has started working in a local slaughterhouse, stunning the animals. They've never seen a scouser with a job.

Why do women shower so much after being raped? To get rid of the smell of fried chicken.

Mail online: "world's oldest paperboy dies at 92." 94 are wondering where their Evening Telegraph's got to.