Sickipedia

True story, memory prompted by earlier joke. In 1989, when I was 17, I was doing a 5 week homestay in mississippi. Pre-internet days, so I was pencilling a letter home, and wanted to reword some bits. So I asked the host family mother (a devout Christian) for a rubber. She was horrified (rubber means condom in America) and asked why I needed one I told her I had made a mistake. And she replied "if you have made a mistake, it's too late for a rubber" Much confusion ensued. Then hilarity.

Two unicorns on Noah's ark bump into each other. First one says "Hi! I'm Trevor!" Second replies "Hi!! I'm Andrew!!"

Was walking into a pub toilet on Saturday night, just as a guy was leaving. He laughed and said "I'd give it an hour mate before going in" "Dropped a stinker, did you? " " Nah, murdered a prostitute".

Woman walks into a bar and the barman asks "why the long face?" An hour later he's deeply regretting having asked.

Gandalf finds himself bent over a table and being violently butt-fucked by Frodo. "You fool of a hobbit!" screams Gandalf. "When I said 'destroy the ring'... "

Was trying to hitch a lift into the city yesterday. Finally a Muslim guy in a ford transit picked me up. I appreciated the lift, but the music from the radio was some Arabic shit. As I went to push the channel button he suddenly screamed "don't touch that!!!" "Sorry", I replied. "Favourite song?" "No, it's not that. We haven't reached the bloody target yet! "

Following the death of Michael Jackson, dozens of children gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police spokesman said "for fuck sake, someone find a locksmith and set those kids free!"

My grandmother wrote in her will that she wanted her remains scattered in her beloved rose garden. I carried out her wish, but after a few days, with the rancid smell, I thought to myself "hmm. Maybe we should have cremated her first".

A guy from Pakistan arrives at the gates of heaven, where he is met by St. Peter. St. Peter takes one look at him and says "Woah, there's obviously some mistake. No Pakistanis allowed in here" The Pakistani replies "but I'm here for Jesus!" St Peter replies "ah! I see", turns around and shouts "hey Jesus, your taxi's here!"

A girl comes home drunk late at night, after having been at the wedding of her Japanese coworker Kenji. She is greeted by her mother in the hallway "my God, look at the state of you! It's 3am! And... Oh, look you've got rice in your hair. Do they also throw rice at Japanese weddings? " The drunk girl slurs "No. Kanji's brother puked all over me when I was giving him a blow job behind the pub"