Sickipedia

I don't much care for country Western music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who do like country Western music..."denigrate" means "to unfairly put down". Bob Newhart

Bunkering down and hiding behind a nuclear reactor as a shield. I give that a 4 thumbs up.

A guy picks up a chubby girl in a bar and goes back to her place for some fun. She warns him that her parrot can be pretty rude to guests but he doesn't care and gets busy shagging her. After a few minutes the parrot squawks and says "Your the ugliest bloke she brought here in a long time". He turns to the parrot and says "STFU". A minute later the bird squawks and says, "You look pretty fucken stupid too". The guy then threatens the parrot"keep quiet or I'll slit your throat". The parrot laughs and replies "You ain't got the balls to do that, dirt bag". Finally the guy had enough, gets up, grabs the parrot, pulls out his pocket knife, slits its throat and tosses him in her toilet. Then he goes back and finishes shagging the girl. When they are done she goes to the bathroom to pee. Sitting on the toilet she hears a burbling squawking sound and a cry from below, ".... I'm gonna live!" She looks down and the parrot is flopping around in the the bloody water. She says " I dont think your going to make it, your throat is slit from ear to ear". The parrot looks up and squawks "Look, if your still alive with a gash that big...I think I'll be fine".

"You miss 100% of all the shots you dont take!" (Alec Baldwin)

A guy settles into first class on a plane waiting to take off. An Entourage of Cardinals and Bishops gets on the plane with the Pope. The pope takes a seat beside the guy and pulls out a crossword puzzle it starts working on it. The guy is thinking wow am I ever lucky be sitting by the Pope maybe you'll get stuck on a word and I can give him a hand. Sure enough the pope start scratching his head and looks up at him and asks, " do you know a 4 letter word that ends with UNT and it describes a certain type of woman?" After a few seconds the guy answers "...aunt". The pope smiles and thanks him, looks down at the puzzle and back up again.... "You dont happen to have an eraser on you do you?"

So some dude on the street accidently dropped a $20 bill on the ground and I picked it up. He had disappeared in the crowd before I could give it back to him. So I asked myself, what would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine. I went and bought some wine with it.

America has decided not to push forward a proposal to identify all internet porn sites with a XXX designation. It's been brought to their attention the confusion it will raise when they shop for clothing online.

Q: Mr Bond, we have the latest development from our laboratory. Its a special card which will allow you to deflect accusations, get you out of most any danger or trouble and advance your double O status. Its not a laser or explosive card, nor a credit card....its a race card.

Whats the biggest drawback of Africa? An elephant's foreskin.

Whats the difference between an african pygmy tribe and an all womans track team? A: Pygmies are cunning runts.