Sickipedia

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel" The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter Husband: "The window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

A man boards a plane with six kids. Once he's settled them in a woman leans over and asks, "are they all yours?" He replies, "no, I work for a condom factory and these are all customer's complaints."

I was in Crown Court today and was found guilty of timeshare fraud. I've been sentenced to prison 2 weeks a year for the next 20 years

Why soes Batman only cover half his face? So everyone knows he's white!

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger. As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless. The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down the road. After a few minutes, Mick, who's walking along the inside, turns to his companion and says: "You know what Shamus, I be thinkin' dat maybe you should be carryin' dat dere scythe on yer other shoulder".

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective" " "You're still bloody late" replied my boss

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!" 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

Did you know that if you laid all the Essex girls from end to end I wouldn't be at least surprised

Chav's always name their children after stuff they can't afford; Mercedes, Bentley, Ruby, Child Support

Where do priests go for chicken? Nundo's