Sickipedia

My wife had a go at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son "Just use a spoon, stupid", she said, "you're not a bloody Jedi"

A couple complain to the head ranger in a wildlife park. They tell the ranger that they watched the staff feeding an ape and that before eating the ape would first stick the up his arse. The ranger tells them, "that'll be old Billy, he's the cleverest ape living here". The couple unhappy with this answer say he can't be that bright if he's shoving the food up his arse and then eating it. The ranger then explained, "last year Billy ate a peach and the stone got stuck. He was in terrible pain and needed some help of extremely strong laxatives and eventually some manual persuasion to clear the blockage. Ever since then he always tests to see that it won't get stuck again".

Two cannibals are eating a clown when one says, "does this taste funny to you?"

Last night my wife wore a police uniform in bed and said, "you've been arrested for being good in bed!" 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

A man boards a plane with six kids. Once he's settled them in a woman leans over and asks, "are they all yours?" He replies, "no, I work for a condom factory and these are all customer's complaints."

There was a lovely mirror behind the counter at my local shop I could see myself buying it

The couple who first met at a string making factory and got engaged ten years ago have finally tied the knot

Stalin is reading out a report to his party. Suddenly, someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" No answer. "Have the first row taken outside and shot". Applause follows. "Who sneezed?" Complete silence... "Second row, on your feet, have them shot." An even longer, more vigorous applause follows. "Who sneezed?" But no one dares answer. "Third row, take them outside and executed one by one." Loud applause, everyone rises from their seat, cheers of "Glory to the Great Stalin" reverberate across the hall. "Who sneezed?" "It was me, I did it" mutters someone sobbingly. "Bless you, comrade"

Chav's always name their children after stuff they can't afford; Mercedes, Bentley, Ruby, Child Support

What do you call a duck addicted to drugs? A quackhead