Sickipedia

I've developed a new type of television that automatically mutes the sound everytime the adverts come on. If only there was some way i could let people know about it.

My wife called me a sex machine yesterday. Actually she called me 'A fucking tool', but i know what she meant

I was unsucessful in my application to become a BBC DJ. When I was asked during the interview whether I'd ever had an inappropriate relationship with a child, I'm now thinking that replying "I wasn't aware it was still compulsory." may have been a mistake.

I'm not sure Kenya has quite got the concept of suicide bombing.

Thought for today. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

If there are any positives from these four weeks of Coronavirus lockdown: I haven't had a problem with my Windows PC. My Amazon prime account isn't about to renew. I haven't had a recent car accident. My internet connection isn't about to be disconnected. Or at least, no-one has phoned me to tell me so.

When I picked my son up from football training, the coach said "I think he'll be a regular Gary Lineker when he gets older." "Really", I replied, "you think he's that good at football." "No, I didn't mean football, he's just becoming a right little cunt!"

Gregg Wallace suspended by the BBC for telling jokes. What an idiot, Anyone who has seen their comedies in the last 20 years would know the BBC is no place for jokes.

If the new politically correct TV adverts have taught us anything. It's that some mixed race women are fucking ugly!

Nigerian billionaire Orji Kalu wants to buy a 35% stake in Arsenal and "bring trophies back" to the club. Actually he just asked them if he could have their bank account details, so he could deposit some of his money to get it out of the country.