Sickipedia

A jewish man enters a synagogue and starts praying, "God please help me, I'm in terrible debt, please let me win the lottery, so I can clear everything and stop worrying." Saturday comes and nothing. The following week he returns and prays, "God, my troubles are getting worse, my creditors are chasing me and I am so worried, please let me win the lottery this weekend." Again Saturday comes and nothing. The next week he's back again, "God, I'm desparate now, they're threatening my family, if I don't win the lottery this weekend, I fear one of them will die." A booming voice then comes down from above, "Solly, I'm trying to help, but could you at least meet me half way and BUY A FUCKING TICKET." (Credit- The late great Bernard Manning)

What does a photographer do when he gets a blister on his shutter button finger? Bathe it daily. (Thats one for the teenagers.)

Gregg Wallace suspended by the BBC for telling jokes. What an idiot, Anyone who has seen their comedies in the last 20 years would know the BBC is no place for jokes.

My mate went to a Trump rally and all I got was this bloody T shirt

My wife called me a sex machine yesterday. Actually she called me 'A fucking tool', but i know what she meant

The only thing worse than having to watch that Pot Noodle advert is..... having to eat a Pot Noodle.

Bayern Munich have gone spursy.

I've just changed my phone for a Google Pixel 8. The sound quality is great, but the display is really blocky.

Was given tickets to a comedy gig. When I arrived, someone was on stage shaking and dribbling into the microphone. I remember thinking Oh fuck! this is going to be a Rosie Jones gig, but it turned out it was just Gazza come to support his blind mate.

When I picked my son up from football training, the coach said "I think he'll be a regular Gary Lineker when he gets older." "Really", I replied, "you think he's that good at football." "No, I didn't mean football, he's just becoming a right little cunt!"