Sickipedia

Why did the French chef commit suicide? Because he'd lost his huile d'olive

There once was a girl called Alice Used a dynamite stick as a phallus They found her vagina in North Carolina and her arsehole in Buckingham Palace

I got barred from Weight watchers today. It wasn't even my fault, it was the fat bitch next to me who spilled her box of maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I had ever seen.

A stranger enters a village pub in a remote corner of Ireland and orders three pints of Guinness. The barman is curious, but serves his new customer without question. The stranger takes his drinks to a table and starts drinking, later he returns to the bar and orders another three pints of Guinness, drinks these and leaves. Over the next week the mysterious stranger who drinks Guinness three pints at a time becomes the talk of the village and the barman is persuaded to question him and find out his story. So when he returns the following week, the barman asks why he drinks three pints at a time? "Well you see, I have two brothers, Seamus lives in Australia and Paddy lives in Canada, but before we split up, we agreed that every Wednesday night, wherever we were, we would each drink a pint of Guinness for each brother." The barman is delighted with this answer, which quickly passes around the pub and the rest of the village and the stranger becomes something of a local celebrity. Over the coming weeks villagers come to the pub on Wednesday nights just to catch a glimpse of this man with his three pints of Guinness. Then one night he enters the pub and orders two pints of Guinness. The whole pub is shocked, assuming bad news about one of his brothers. When he returns to the bar the barman asks him why he is now only drinking two pints at a time and has something happened to one of his brothers? "Oh no" he replies, "they're both fine, its me, I've decided to give up drinking."

My wife woke up while we were making love this morning. I just said to her "Nearly finished, then I'll make you a nice cup of tea. That'll help take the taste away."

I've just read an article about the terrible damage that drinking alcohol can have on the body. It was so shocking that it has led me to a life changing decision. I'm giving up reading!

Roasting What a Jamaican calls the prickly flower in his garden.

Beating Striped flying insect that pollinates Jamaican roastings.

I am fed up of the BBC constantly using the term 'so called' Islamic State. They should at least me consistent and describe the terrorists as 'so called' men and followers of Islam, a 'so called' religion!

A mad golf enthusiast finally receives the news he has been waiting 20 years for, an invitation for membership at a very exclusive local golf club. When he arrives for interview, he is confronted by a six man committee. The first man asks if he smokes? "One or two after a meal and a few in the pub on Friday night" he replies. The second man states this is a non-smoking club and we insist none of our members smoke. The third man asks if he drinks? "Five or six pints in the pub and a couple of bottles of wine each week with the wife" The fourth man says we insist that all our members are tea total. The fifth man then asks whether he enjoys relations with his wife? "Yeah, still two or three times a week" The sixth man says that they insist on celibacy from its members, so agrees to meet again in four weeks time to see how he has coped with the regime. At the next meeting he states that he hasn't had a smoke or drink in four weeks and feels much fitter and healthier for it. "What about the marital relations?" "Well I was doing really well on that one, until this morning my wife was bending low to get something out of the freezer and I couldn't help myself, I had to take her from behind there and then." "I have to inform you, from today you are barred from this golf club" "I guessed as much, but as of this morning I'm barred from Sainsburys too!"