Sickipedia

Thanks to 50 Shades Of Grey my wife's Kindle smells like fifty cans of tuna.

My 87 yr old mother gets her acronyms mixed up all the time these days. She popped into Greggs last week and asked for an LGBT sandwich. Credit to Puncrock on Guardian comments

We have six recycling bins. Today I broke one and now I'm stood, scratching my head, baffled - how the fuck do I recycle it? 

The number of amputations is sadly increasing due to the prolific rise of diabetes. Me and my friends working at the morgue furnace find that singing the Hokey Cokey really makes the day fly by with zing and a smile

Irrefutable facts: - The Pope is Catholic - Bears shit in the woods - The sky is blue - Welshmen fuck sheep - Happychopper will post four gags a day - James Hewitt is the real father of Prince Harry

I think the fella who invented the G-tech Air Ram vacuum cleaner created it to collect his thinning hair the balding, tefal-headed twat

We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set.  So I sold it on Ebay as a Welsh edition.

It took me a long long time to work up the courage, but eventually, the words passed my lips... "you know love, we've been married for more than 25 years now and I thought you might like to try... You know... Something "alternative", I finally spluttered She paused for what seemed like an eternity. Pondered some more and then eventually responded "wow love. I never knew you felt like this too, but now you mention it, yes, I'd love to be taken by five strangers at the same time whilst you watch and wank... One up the fanny, one up the arse, one in my mouth and one cock in each hand. I think I'd love it and it would definitely reignite the old magic we once shared. I can't wait. Can't believe you've had the courage to even broach it love. What did you have in mind?" "I was thinking of a Cure or Gary Numan gig love..."

Top tip : any simple Polish surname makes an ultra-strong WiFi password

Homeless? Simply self identify as a house and your problems are solved!