Sickipedia

I love that awkward silence that ensues when you're out with dog walkers, standing chatting in a circle, all holding various bags of warm shit and eventually, they realise you don't own a dog

My old Uncle Jim died a few months ago. He made millions selling coconuts. Bastard vandals broke into the cemetery and desiccated his grave.

We lost all the vowels from our Scrabble set.  So I sold it on Ebay as a Welsh edition.

"I've put your P45 on your desk. I'll have to let you go. You're as thick as pig shit". "That's very kind boss, but I don't have eczema....."

My brother just got a tattoo saying "carpe diem" which I thought was ironic considering his severe epilepsy

Those poor Thai school boys were dreading being stuck in a dingy, damp, dark place with a prehistoric feeling again. Fortunately, the game was played at Old Trafford, not Goodison so they escaped another potentially treacherous ordeal.

We have six recycling bins. Today I broke one and now I'm stood, scratching my head, baffled - how the fuck do I recycle it? 

"He's an Elmo" said grandma about my latest boyfriend. She gets so confused at 91. "You mean Emo gran... you know - lank black hair, pale skin, black clothes, goth taste in music?" I suggested. "No, Elmo" she said, "he's a fucking muppet".

I was watching a caricature portrait artist at work in Alton Towers last week. Man, he was good. A coach full of Chinese tourist turned up. He sketched the first guy and then sold the rest photocopies. Job done.

I think the fella who invented the G-tech Air Ram vacuum cleaner created it to collect his thinning hair the balding, tefal-headed twat