Sickipedia

My local pub has changed hands over the years and each time has been renamed in respectfully keeping with its centuries old history. In 1962, it was refurbished and named "The Well", due to the proximity of the old town well. In 1989, it changed hands and became "The Black Bull" as it's on the site of the historic cattle market. In 2015, it became a Wetherspoons carefully named as at 5:30pm any evening, you can sit and worry about being stabbed by a red-faced local tattooed alcoholic with a spoon.

Corbyn "Bagum has a right to return to the UK", yes Jezza, and now you've said this out loud, you've given yourself exactly the same odds of becoming Prime Minister.

My brother lost 4 stone on one of those shake diets. Can't help but thinking he used his epliepsy and Parkinsons to his advantage the cheating bastard

I've a monthly comedy gig at the local hospice that's been running strong for 15 years now. It's great, lovely crowd, good money, the set always nails it and I've not had to write any new material in 15 years

"Hello Darkness my old friend". Ozzy : "Hiya God"

The Prince of Darkness may soon have to put 50 pence in the meter or get used to the lights being permanently off

My 87 yr old mother gets her acronyms mixed up all the time these days. She popped into Greggs last week and asked for an LGBT sandwich. Credit to Puncrock on Guardian comments

It took me a long long time to work up the courage, but eventually, the words passed my lips... "you know love, we've been married for more than 25 years now and I thought you might like to try... You know... Something "alternative", I finally spluttered She paused for what seemed like an eternity. Pondered some more and then eventually responded "wow love. I never knew you felt like this too, but now you mention it, yes, I'd love to be taken by five strangers at the same time whilst you watch and wank... One up the fanny, one up the arse, one in my mouth and one cock in each hand. I think I'd love it and it would definitely reignite the old magic we once shared. I can't wait. Can't believe you've had the courage to even broach it love. What did you have in mind?" "I was thinking of a Cure or Gary Numan gig love..."

I'm an arsonist and found my perfect partner on match.com

According to my fat bitch of a wifes advent calendar it's already Boxing Day.