Sickipedia

I woke up this morning and there was a humming bird in my bed! Im sure she didn't smell this bad last night.

Michael Barrymore has started his own tribute band. Badly Drown Boy.

I've just moved into a Green Belt area. Everyone I've met is half decent at karate.

Prevent crashing in a light aircraft by only travelling in dark ones.

When I was at school I struggled to keep my colours inside the lines, but now I work at immigration control they do as they're fucking told.

Ever since my brother had his arms blown off in Afghanistan he's developed a drink problem. He can't handle his beer.

"Can I have a large brandy please?" "Sorry, we're short staffed" "What do you mean? There's 3 of you on the bar!" "Yeah but none of us can reach the brandy"

I'm making myself a Swiss Army Wife. She's got a corkscrew and a bread knife in her at the moment.

"How's you're love life?" "I'm pissing in the wind" "No luck eh?" "Quite the opposite, I've met a kinky girl who likes golden showers while she farts"

My mate did his Masters at Cambridge. He wasn't very clever, he just gave a good blowjob.