Sickipedia

“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me. "Wayne." I said. "And your last name?" he continued. "It's always been Wayne." I said.

I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer. I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried. Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.

I bought a raffle ticket the other night. I won bugger all. I love the raffles at our swingers club.

If a woman has tons of sex with random men, shes called a slut. If a man does the exact same thing, he's called a poof

I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother. "Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked "Well not really, I only went back two days"

Last night a gunman burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and killed everyone. Victims are yet to be identified.

I took my wife and daughter away for a weekend in the caravan. "Any chance of a blow job?" I whispered to my wife when we were in bed. "For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!" "Good point," I said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

I’ve had to shut down my online dating site for lesbian chickens as it wasn’t a great success and I was struggling financially. I couldn’t make hens meet.

“Dad, can you bring the straighteners up!?” Shouted by gay son from his bedroom. “Ok, son” I said as I walked up the stairs, massaging my knuckles.

I went into our local coffee shop yesterday and saw they were selling Fair-Trade Coffee. "What's this then?" I asked. "Well, it's a way of ensuring that the producers get a fair price for their produce," the guy replied. "It's a bit pricey at £4.50 a cup, have you anything else?" The guy thought about it and said, "Well, our fuck the black bastards blend is quite popular at £1.50 per cup