Sickipedia

I went to see a psychic last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children." "But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, leukaemia is a bastard."

Me and six friends were sitting in a room; we got onto the subject of rape. The only girl in the room said, "I've often wondered if I'm strong enough to stop someone trying to rape me." Turns out she's not.

I took my wife and daughter away for a weekend in the caravan. "Any chance of a blow job?" I whispered to my wife when we were in bed. "For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!" "Good point," I said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

I was in a casino last night and had a few spins on the roulette wheel. The manager told me to get off.

Last night a gunman burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and killed everyone. Victims are yet to be identified.

I was feeling a bit kinky, so I went to a brothel and ask for some "shit play" The girl showed me a video of West Ham's last couple of games.

I bought a new wig made from bum hair. Fucking thing keeps blowing off.

Why do dogs lick their penis and nibble their own anus? Because I'm busy.

I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer. I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried. Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.

I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother. "Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked "Well not really, I only went back two days"