Sickipedia

I went to the cinema yesterday. When the film started a group of youngsters in the first couple of rows started moving about and the guy next to me shouted "Down at the front!!" I turned to him and said "There’s no need to point out the disabled kid.”

My wife left me because of my obsession with the band ‘Supertramp’ I’ve now met someone else. Take a look at my girlfriend.

Blimey, that was close. I just fell down the stairs whilst carrying my 2 year old daughter. Luckily, instinct took over, and I managed to position her in such a way that I didn't get hurt at all.

My Dad’s motto through life was "Always leave them wanting more." Great man. Terrible anaesthetist.

When I die I want my internet search history to be read out at my funeral. That way all my friends and family will go from being depressed to disgusted.

Liverpool’s manager has resigned and he’s taking his family home to Germany later on Yes, the Klopps go back tonight.

“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me. "Wayne." I said. "And your last name?" he continued. "It's always been Wayne." I said.

Had a fancy dress party last night and the theme was "Hollywood Action Characters" I woke up this morning with a sore arse after being forced to have gay sex for 2 hours. I suppose it's my own fault for inviting Jack Reacher round.

A chronic masturbater who is living on the top storey of a block of flats threatened to commit suicide yesterday. He sat on the balcony with his legs swinging over the side. Everybody down below were terrified he was going to toss himself off.

Just saw that human touch guy from the Fantastic 4. I tried to get his autograph but all he did was show off and roll about on the floor, screaming.