Sickipedia

I'm not fucking stupid. I mean, I used to. But I divorced her.

I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY MORNING…. In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection. When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader! As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on. I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often.

There's a new supermarket near our house that's recently opened. It's got an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk aisle, you hear cows mooing and there's a scent of fresh hay. When you approach the eggs, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

The more of them I see, the more convinced I am that IKEA employees were once shoppers who just got lost.

I'm not fucking stupid. I mean, I used to. But I divorced her.

I got my Mogwai wet and fed it after midnight but nothing happened. I think my wife might be right. It is just a gerbil.

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybodys time.

Glen Campbell has died. I guess walkin' these streets so long, singin' the same old song has finally taken its toll at the age of 81!

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a film. In the funeral, his mother said, "Jesus died for your scenes."

I really miss not being able to slam the phone down on people. Violently pressing the "End Call" button just doesn't quite have the same effect.