Sickipedia

Did you hear about the Fiorentina captain and Italian international, footballer Davide Astori? He had a sudden illness and pasta way.

"I can't believe this" my wife said tearfully. "My very first Mother's Day and not even a card." "Be reasonable" I told her. "He's only 7 months old".

Sometimes my girlfriend is just soooo annoying! "Am I pretty? Am I pretty?" Why won't she just answer me?

I don't see why there is a need for nipple clamps. Not once have I seen an illegally parked nipple.

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a kangaroo, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.

I had loads to drink last night, so before I went into work I made sure I had plenty of mints just in case anyone could smell alcohol on my breath. Despite this, within minutes, the Boss came up and told me leave the premises until I'd sobered up. "How did you know I was drunk?" I asked "You've still got a traffic cone on your head."

Pauline at work accused me of being sexist yesterday because I always whistle at her when she walks into the office but I don't do the same when Frank walks in. So I have taken on board what she said and instead of whistling at her, today I greeted her with 'morning cunt' and dipped my balls in her coffee when she wasn't looking, just like I did to Frank. This equality thing works better than I thought.

As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running.

I'm not sexist. When two equally qualified people apply for a job, I always choose the woman. Saves me a fortune in wages.

My wife says that my penis reminds her of a supermarket. "Because it's large, well stocked and always fulfills all your needs?" I asked. "No" she said, "because it's Lidl".