Sickipedia

Autocorrect is a bastard. Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a wank down the river! I meant the canal.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm old fashioned. I'll wager a shilling she's courting a coloured chap.

I found one of my dads old porno videos today. Did you know, back in the 70's they used to use pubic hair to censor out the genitals?

Feminism: because not all women can be beautiful.

I'm not saying I've got a big cock but when I get a hard-on, I haven't got enough skin left to close my eyes.

At my cousin's wedding last weekend, I got talking to a man who was wearing a kilt. I said, "You've probably been asked this loads of times already, but can I ask you the traditional question?" He grinned and replied, "Oh, go on then!" I said, "Do you realise you look a complete fucking knob?"

Convince your kids there's no such thing as ghosts by letting them watch an episode of Most Haunted.

I was chatting to a girl in a bar when she noticed a bulging erection in my pants. "Sorry about that," I said. "I just find the Irish accent an incredible turn on. What's your name, by the way?" "Svetlana," she replied. "And yours?" "Paddy."

Sitting in the cafe earlier when the owner called over ''You want some fruitcake?'' I replied ''Come on then you camp cunt, outside, now''.

I found my first grey pubic hair this morning. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but I found it in my sausage and egg McMuffin