Sickipedia

Today is the London marathon. It's one of the world's most grueling sporting events . . . to watch.

I was chatting to a girl in a bar when she noticed a bulging erection in my pants. "Sorry about that," I said. "I just find the Irish accent an incredible turn on. What's your name, by the way?" "Svetlana," she replied. "And yours?" "Paddy."

Autocorrect is a bastard. Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a wank down the river! I meant the canal.

Sitting in the cafe earlier when the owner called over ''You want some fruitcake?'' I replied ''Come on then you camp cunt, outside, now''.

I found my first grey pubic hair this morning. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but I found it in my sausage and egg McMuffin

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water... Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

My wife sent me a card saying "Get Better Soon" today. I'm not ill, I'm just crap at sex.

Being in love can give you shortness of breath, palpitations, and the inability to concentrate. Exactly the same symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning.

Never treat a woman like an object. It hates that.

I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."