Sickipedia

A scouser goes on the antiques roadshow with a very rare vase. Hugh Scully asks, "How did you acquire the vase?" The scouser says, "It was handed down to me." Hugh Scully, "Where from?" The scouser replies, "An upstairs window."

Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas. The front says "I will do anything for love" On the back it says "but I won't do that"

I came downstairs this morning, to find my wife lying on the sofa, looking absolutely terrible. Same as every other fucking morning.

Usain Bolt goes to a nightclub...Bouncer says sorry mate no black people allowed in here, there's a place 10 mins down the road you'll get in.....Usain goes mad, do you know who i am, Im Usain Bolt he says the fastest man on the planet, ..... Bouncer says ok 4 mins down the road then.

My mate got run over by a Train yesterday. He was Chuffed to bits

My mate offered to give me a lift this morning I said its no use to me, I live in a bungalow

My German girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore.

I got on the bus the other day and said to the driver, "Return, please." "Where to?" he asked. "Poland, Where you fucking came from".

I went out with a fat chick last night, at the end of the night I said"here if you want to see me again just ring this number" She said "Ooh not many guys give me there number" I said "Its not my number, its weight-watchers".

When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.