Sickipedia

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

I held the door open for a Japanese guy today.. He said, "sank you", so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he would bring up Pearl Harbor like that.

What's the difference between a Jew and a dollar? I'd give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars

Living in Bradford, I constantly feel like a Rice Krispie in a box of Coco Pops.

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Larry's whore"

Young Londoners felt pressured to donate their last 46p to church. That’s not tithing — that’s mugging someone who already lives on Universal Credit and noodles.

If someone is sleeping, and you hold their iPhoneX up to their face does it unlock? Asking for a friend...

Did you know Jewish rabbis aren't allowed to accept payment for circumcisions? They just keep the tips!

A very sad weekend for Bayern Munich & it's fans. Yesterday they said goodbye to Lahm & Alonso, today they said goodbye to Arsenal.

EPL over: Chelsea - Gold Tottenham H - Silver Man. City - Bronze Liverpool - Aluminium Arsenal - Plywood Man.Utd - ?? Mosquito coil