Sickipedia

Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, "Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?" "Yes I'm taking photos of her," I replied, "But it's not what you think." "So what is it then?" she asked. I said, "A Samsung Galaxy."

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat. I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

We seem to be getting overrun these days with gay men. For a group of people who can't multiply, where the fuck are they all coming from?

An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

"What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked Muhammad at work today. "It has two meanings," he replied, "The first meaning is 'God is Great'". "And the second?" I asked "Run like fuck!" Muhammad smiled.

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?" The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

An Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser are in a bar and spot Jesus drinking on his own. They each send him a drink over and he sips each one slowly. When he's finished he walks over to the Irishman and shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guinness. "Fuck me, my arthritis has gone!" Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. "Fucking hell mate, my bad back's cured!" Jesus approaches the Scouser who runs away screaming, "Fuck off, you cunt - I'm on disability benefit."

The best way to smuggle drugs is to place them up a dog's arse. That way, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the officials will think they're just being frisky.

My parents spanked me as a child. I now suffer from a psychological condition known as ... "Respect for others"