Sickipedia

My wife wanted me to put my referees kit on and have sex with her. She screamed and moaned to the biggest climax I have ever known her have in 20 years. So I gave her a yellow card for simulation.

Facebook game requests are like the jehovah's witnesses of the internet

In the pub my mate said, "I don't think it makes me racist to say I could never sleep with a black girl." "Me neither," I replied. He said, "You don't find them attractive either?" I replied, "It's not that. The wife would fucking kill me."

I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. "That's lovely" she said, giving me a hug. "I'm glad you think so" I replied. "Your bag's by the front door".

My mate went to a fancy dress party as a silent bee. "Very subtle," I thought.

I failed an audition to star in a porno to a Chinese guy because at the end I couldn't manage the money shot. I've learnt my lesson for next time - don't beat off more than Yu Can Chu.

I went to the dentist today and he said, "I'm afraid your molars will have to come out." "Why?" I asked, "There's nothing wrong with them." He replied, "Yes I know, but I need to buy a new car."

My wife and I were out for dinner celebrating our anniversary. "Who do you think I need to speak to about getting rid of this genital wart?" I said to her over a bowl of soup. "I didn't know you had one of those" she replied. "When did you discover that?" "My third spoonful. I thought it was a crouton"

My girlfriend told me earlier that I'm clueless and patronising. God knows what she`s on about, must be on the blob. Anyway, I didn't want an argument or anything so I patted her on the head and told her the ironing will cheer her up.

What men really mean: I love you - any chance of a shag later? I love you so much - I really do want that shag you know. I love you with all my heart - any chance of a blowjob thrown in with the shag? I love you with all my heart and soul - and swallow please?