Sickipedia

Following this year's Budget, I am now officially leaving the country. Good luck, everyone. Yours, Sgt Pete Kerr, The Royal Yorkshire Regiment

I've been arrested for "outraging public decency". Note so self: don't masturbate while cleaning the windows of a nursery.

The vet reported me to the police for animal cruelty, when the cat was finally out of the bag.

The government has pledged to send vegetables as food aid to the people of Gaza, thus doing its bit for peas in the Middle East. I'll get my coat.

I just read a comment on one of my most recent jokes from someone who was clearly Chinese. "ROR".

my wife kept telling me i was addicted to social media like wtf but anyway shes dead now and im at her funeral rip

A good one from Quora: A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

Which is the worst race? Niggers. Nod to Chum (even though he's blocked me).

As I woke up in the middle of the night, I screamed as I saw what I thought was a zombie approaching in the dark. Nope - it was just my wife returning from the toilet.

Little Elsie was a shy girl, but as she continued to practice she began to notice a newfound kind of magic in her dancing performed by but herself alone. Then a crazed black Welsh choirboy ran in with a machete...