Sickipedia

Called the vets this morning... Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich." Vet: "Ok what's the problem?" Me: "He's holding his head to one side." Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?" Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

Has to be done in an Australian accent. Aussie Dj asks people to call in with words in use but not in the dictionary. DJ - "Ok caller, what's your word" Caller - "Gaan" Dj - "And how would you use it in a sentence caller" Caller - "Gaan fuck yerself" Dj apologises to the audience and takes the next call. DJ - "Ok caller, what's your word" Caller "Smee" Dj - "And how would you use it in a sentence caller" Caller "Smee again. Gaan fuck yerself"

How many Aussie men does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a woman's bloody job!

Going for a shit: "I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi." "I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl." "It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly." "Off to the bog to leave an offering." "Time to snap off a grogan." "Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave." "I'm gonna strangle a brownie." "There's a brown dog barking at the back door." "I'm going to give birth to your twin." "Need to choke a brown dog." "I've freed Nelson Mandela." "Going for a Rodney." "Taking out the garbage." "I gotta back one out." "Release the Chocolate hostage" "i gotta lay some cables for telstra"

Chris Rea has just started the car

Since most of us are stuck / bored in quarantine here are my top ways you can get high at home. 1. A ladder - This will get you the highest, no doubt. 2. A step stool - This won't get you as high but it is good for a quick, short high. 3. A Barstool - this one is a bit more trippy and unsafe, but can work if you don't have safer ways to get high.

IRISH OPEN NEWS: Shane Lowry has eight bogies... Filthy mongrel eating snotters

Totto Wolff says Lewis Hamilton is recovering, but in bed not feeling great. WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK!

The Aussie cricket team are looking to recruit Funniman, he's exactly the kind of person they need.... Coach Justin Langer said "He's a bigger cheater than Cameron Bancroft".

G'day mateys, Couple of mongrels still operating on this site with heaps of accounts to their bloody names. The flaming gallahs are spamming the site with reposts. One hoon beats up sheilas, the others just a flaming drongo, fair dinkum.