Sickipedia

Chris Rea has just started the car

What does the study of magnetism and self abuse have in common? The Right Hand Rule.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind. We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

Since most of us are stuck / bored in quarantine here are my top ways you can get high at home. 1. A ladder - This will get you the highest, no doubt. 2. A step stool - This won't get you as high but it is good for a quick, short high. 3. A Barstool - this one is a bit more trippy and unsafe, but can work if you don't have safer ways to get high.

Called the vets this morning... Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich." Vet: "Ok what's the problem?" Me: "He's holding his head to one side." Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?" Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

Five crew members on the Mission: Impossible set have reportedly quit after Tom Cruise had a second furious rant... He called everyone a cunt but then realised he was the biggest one.

Totto Wolff says Lewis Hamilton is recovering, but in bed not feeling great. WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK!

IRISH OPEN NEWS: Shane Lowry has eight bogies... Filthy mongrel eating snotters

Going for a shit: "I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi." "I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl." "It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly." "Off to the bog to leave an offering." "Time to snap off a grogan." "Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave." "I'm gonna strangle a brownie." "There's a brown dog barking at the back door." "I'm going to give birth to your twin." "Need to choke a brown dog." "I've freed Nelson Mandela." "Going for a Rodney." "Taking out the garbage." "I gotta back one out." "Release the Chocolate hostage" "i gotta lay some cables for telstra"

The Aussie cricket team are looking to recruit Funniman, he's exactly the kind of person they need.... Coach Justin Langer said "He's a bigger cheater than Cameron Bancroft".