Sickipedia

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.  Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'  'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'  She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

Chris Rea has just started the car

Going for a shit: "I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi." "I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl." "It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly." "Off to the bog to leave an offering." "Time to snap off a grogan." "Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave." "I'm gonna strangle a brownie." "There's a brown dog barking at the back door." "I'm going to give birth to your twin." "Need to choke a brown dog." "I've freed Nelson Mandela." "Going for a Rodney." "Taking out the garbage." "I gotta back one out." "Release the Chocolate hostage" "i gotta lay some cables for telstra"

Has to be done in an Australian accent. Aussie Dj asks people to call in with words in use but not in the dictionary. DJ - "Ok caller, what's your word" Caller - "Gaan" Dj - "And how would you use it in a sentence caller" Caller - "Gaan fuck yerself" Dj apologises to the audience and takes the next call. DJ - "Ok caller, what's your word" Caller "Smee" Dj - "And how would you use it in a sentence caller" Caller "Smee again. Gaan fuck yerself"

Called the vets this morning... Me: "Hello, I need to make an appointment for my pet Ostrich." Vet: "Ok what's the problem?" Me: "He's holding his head to one side." Vet: "Hmm, maybe neck's weak?" Me: "Haven't you got anything sooner?"

How many Aussie men does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a woman's bloody job!

G'day sluggers Had to get some tucker on the barbie 3 chooks Threw the stuff in the yewt Fair dinkim Then voted a few gags down

What does the study of magnetism and self abuse have in common? The Right Hand Rule.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind. We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

Since most of us are stuck / bored in quarantine here are my top ways you can get high at home. 1. A ladder - This will get you the highest, no doubt. 2. A step stool - This won't get you as high but it is good for a quick, short high. 3. A Barstool - this one is a bit more trippy and unsafe, but can work if you don't have safer ways to get high.