Sickipedia

I was in the pub this afternoon,sat quietly enjoying a drink at the bar, when this big fat ugly minger came up an started chatting me up. I asked "Excuse me, do you have a pen"? She replied "Yes, why"? I said "Well you better get back in it before the farmer realises that you've got out"

My missus has just taught the car a new trick, she got it to roll over yesterday.

I was in London earlier this week and hailed one of them black cabs. I said to the driver "Waterloo please" He asked "What, the station"? "Well, I'm a bit fucking late for the battle" I replied

An orphaned baby duck was wandering around not knowing what he was when he met a baby skunk who was also an orphan. The baby duck says to the baby skunk "Can you tell me what species I am? I'm an orphan you see" The baby skunk says "Well, you're brown and yellow with webbed feet and feathers, so you must be a duck" The baby skunk then asks "I'm an orphan too, can you tell me what I am please"? The baby duck says "Well, you're not quite black and not quite white and you stink like shit, so I reckon you must be a Paki"

We were all sat down watching the footie last night when my youngest son said " Dad, I need to tell you something..........I'm gay" Then my eldest son said " Dad, I need to tell you that I'm gay also" I said "Fuck me, is there anyone in this household other than me, that likes shagging women"? "I do Dad" replied my daughter.

Apparently Meghan's not walking down the aisle to "Here comes the Bride" She's going to swing down from the lighting to "Ooh bidoo, I wanna be like yoo-wooh"!

Starbucks,KFC and Macdonalds have announced today that they have no gender pay gap. In a joint statement, a spokesperson announced " We have no need of a gender pay gap within our organisations, we are all paid shite, male,female or any other gender"

I'm certain that I'm anorexic, every time I look in the mirror I see a fat ugly bastard looking back at me.

As I've gotten older I've realised that I can only get by on charm for ten minutes. After that, I have to stalk them with the hope that they will eventually give in.

John Lennon Airport was closed this morning when a suspicious vehicle was discovered in the car park. It was a car that was taxed, insured and still had a radio in it.