Sickipedia

I smiled at a woman on the train and she said "When you smile at me I want to invite you to my place" "Are you single?" I asked her. "No, I'm a dentist" she replied.

Whoever said 'Out of sight out of mind' never had a big three inch hairy fucking spider disappear in their bedroom.

A black guy with an eyepatch on just got into my car and told me to get out then drove off. I think he was a pirate of the car I be in. I'll get my keys

Was just in JD sports trying on trainers and I told the assistant they were too tight. "Try them with tongue out" she said "Nope, thleyre thtill tloo tlight" I replied.

"Paddy, what are you doing in your neighbours garden?" "Their dog has been barking for six hours, Murphy, I'm going to put it in my garden and see how they like it"

I was blown away watching the Oasis gig in Cardiff and had to pinch myself to take in what I saw. The cunts actually played a fourth chord.

Teacher: "OK class, what was Robin Hoods girlfriends name?" Jimmy: "It was Trudy Glen, miss" Teacher: "No, Jimmy, it was Maid Marion" Jimmy: " But miss, what about the song, Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen"

They've invented a plane that is made from rubber and is completely crash proof. The Boeing Boeing Boeing 867 is released next month.

My wife walked into the bedroom last night just as I was pulling off my boxers. She's reported me to the RSPCA and is away to her mums.

Next door neighbours, Lenny Henry and Ainsley Harriet are so skint they share an Amazon password. They must be prime mates.