Sickipedia

I was reading a book about an undercover cop who infiltrated the KKK in America's deep south: "I found myself surrounded by a community of old, fat, sweaty, balding white supremacist types saying the most vile and racist stuff I'd ever heard. The captain then told me to stop browsing sickipedia as he needed me to go undercover and infiltrate the KKK."

Priti Patel: 1. Goes on holiday in secret 2. Steals tax payer money by defrauding the foreign aid system 3. Tries to give the money to a demented army in under siege Golan Heights 4. Gets made Home Secretary by PM Me: 1. Goes on holiday in secret 2. Steals tax payer money by defrauding the benefits system 3. Tries to the give money to 'demented Amy', an underage girl in tights 4. Gets made homeless by my wife Priti Patel, more like Priti bloody unfair if you ask me.

Me: I got fired at work for saying "Hello, Sir Les". Mate: You spoke to Les Ferdinand? Me: No, Claire Balding.

I've just written a pilot for a new show where a cosmetic surgeon helps gay men look more oriental. It's called 'Jap eye for the queer guy'

Following the Oprah interview, the queen has ordered her lawyers to have her grandson silenced legally. Harry Gaggarty.

Dwight Yorke, a Shrodinger's dad.

A new business has just opened up around the corner from my house. It's half osteopath clinic, half hessian store. It's called "Crack Back n Sack"

Reporter: "Dwight, how do you feel about the news that Harvey has been moved out of intensive care?" Dwight: "Who? Oh yeah him...that's great news, he is a key member of So Solid Crew"

I change my boxers every 10 minutes... just in case I've asymptomatically shat my pants.

I was enjoying an historic wank when I was kicked out of the battle of hastings reenactment.