Sickipedia

I’ve written a book about the sheer unadulterated pleasure derived from wearing shoe protectors. It’s called the Joy of Segs.

My recent appointment at a London sperm bank turned out to be unsuccessful as I missed the tube.

What did big-tongued borderline-Downs TV chef Jamie Oliver get on his IQ test? Saliva.

My girlfriend fell pregnant. But due to personal differences, we hadn’t been sleeping together for at least a year. When I asked for advice from the doc, he said it’s what’s called a “grudge pregnancy” which, he explained, means that someone’s obviously had it in for me.

What’s the difference between a snarling Rottweiler sinking its teeth into next door’s cat, and my wife complaining about me chatting up the barmaid at our local? The Rottweiler will eventually let it go.

Went out drinking last night with a bunch of blokes who work at the yoghurt-corner factory. Got absolutely mullered. ©WDog

Ultimate PayPerView broadcast: A cage fight in which Harvey Price tries to rape his mother.

A stunning hairdresser’s taking me to court. Apparently, if I’m sitting in her salon and she asks me if I want it teased then blown, it’s “inappropriate behaviour” for me to then drop my trousers, revealing a semi, and say yes please.

My wife, who runs an InterFlora shop, is divorcing me. During a final, tearful, farewell shag I asked why there was a large vase of flowers on the bedside table. She said we needed to come to an arrangement.

I love Belgian chocolates. That first goal against Scotland last night was awesome.