Sickipedia

“Huge voting majority think that Biden is too old to run again”. Fuck me, the old cunt can hardly walk.

My wife, who runs an InterFlora shop, is divorcing me. During a final, tearful, farewell shag I asked why there was a large vase of flowers on the bedside table. She said we needed to come to an arrangement.

If Laura Kuenssberg thinks she has a career when Brexit’s finished she can whistle for it. Oh, hang on a minute...

The WiFi was off for five hours last night, so the family gathered round the kitchen table for a chat. Seem like really nice people actually.

Ant & Dec. I worship the ground they walk on, praying there’ll be mines.

With great relief I am happy to announce that my next door neighbour’s 16yr-old has, for repeated rape and other sėxual misdemeanours, been locked up. In my cellar, for use whenever I want.

My recent appointment at a London sperm bank turned out to be unsuccessful as I missed the tube.

When I’m having sėx, the one thing I really like my wife to do is... the shopping.

When I’m having s*x, the one thing I really like my wife doing is... the shopping.

I tried to silence my noisy crying child by rubbing neat shampoo in his eyes. Johnson’s No More Tears, my arse.