Sickipedia

Biddy Baxter dead ! News of her funeral arrangements have just been released. She will not have a conventional burial, nor will she be cremated. Instead she will be interred in a time capsule, to be opened in 2099 !

Early on Sunday morning, March 30th, the clocks go forward an hour, unfortunately so does the Doomsday clock, which will put it well past midnight…..goodbye, good luck and don’t forget to take at least one can opener with you to your hideaway behind the sofa. See you on the other side…perhaps. NB corned beef and tins of spam do not require a can opener….just a ready supply of finger bandages.

Wayne Rooney has a new job, whatever that is. As part of his interview process he was asked questions about his sex life, in particular his affinity with ladies of the older generation. Rooney admitted he was in demand for that sort of ‘work’. Asked how he coped with the requests for oral stimulation, he replied it was initially slow work but eventually very satisfying for the lucky ladies. When asked for further details he admitted it was often time consuming to chew through the outer crusts, but once through it was simply a matter of allowing the necrotising fluids to drain away before forcing his tongue through the new opening and lapping away to his and her heart’s content. Coleen often complained about his bad breath when he returned home, but he really didn’t give a shit !

ITV, current owners of the Big Brother Franchise today announced they had contracted with the Labour Party to help choose the new deputy leader of the party, candidates to be announced in due course. The candidates will be helicoptered onto the Scottish island of Gruinard for the selection process Kemi Badenoch said she was really looking forward to the bush tucker trials.

This morning I found a list of New Year’s Day resolutions that I penned when I was 16, back in the dark ages. One of them went like this ‘I must stop talking aloud to myself’ . I reckon now, belatedly, I should try this resolution again. I wonder if any of you agree with me ? …… ….. ….. Hello, is anyone listening to me ?

"You'll never walk alone" sang the six guys who carried Jota's coffin into the church. Too soon ???

Mars Foods U.K. ltd today announced a surprising 25% rise in the sale of Mars Bars over the last few days, a spokesman for the company admitted they had no idea why their main product was in such demand.

Police who were still investigating the theft of the golden toilet, to try to find the other two thieves, were told today that the golden bog had probably been melted down . A spokesperson for the police said that the investigation was becoming almost impossible because they now had nothing to go on.

Gerry Adams won his defamation case against The BBC and was awarded £100,000 compensation. Possibly a justified win…who knows. However, it's sad to note that three ‘voice actors’ who helped him present his case in the courtroom were today laid off with no compensation.

Sam Allardyce was yesterday appointed stand-in Pope for the next four weeks to get the Catholic Church safely through the chaos following the death of Pope Francis. Under the right conditions, the appointment might be made permanent. Richard Dawkins will be his deputy and will also fulfil the role as Devil's Advocate.